I think adulthood is over rated.
I went through my days as a kid, anticipating the day that I get to work so that I can get the cash to go buy my own Transformers so that I won't have to share with my brother, tons of ice-cream and chocolates to just stuff my face in and basically that's it. I'd imagine my life perfect with my family living in big mansion/bungalow and if I weren't that rich, I'd get a massionette. I had a wonderful husband who'd provide for me but I'll just go to work cos I love my job of acting/presenting.
I grow up getting a diploma, endlessly grasping for that degree that just cost too much money.
Now day by day I go to work, trying to excel at it so that I get a decent PB to save for my future home, whilst people stab me in the back with a long sharp knife, blaming their inadequacies on me just cos they are crazy b**** . I don't understand the concept of PB being performance-related when you give more to someone with a degree as compared to one with a diploma. Why? Cos a degree enables you to perform better in a job where everyone does the same shitload of work? I don't think so. I have a diploma but I do much more crap than a person with a degree. I hold 2 major positions as a coordinator and an in-charge; whilst this particular person has no major roles.
Not only do I pay less (cos apparently a degree holder is paid more as they spend more time studying and paying for their education - an education that I want but cant afford) I don't get credited for all the work I've put in as this b**** gets a higer PB than I do for less than half the work done!
So kids, here's the lesson I learnt the hard way to becoming a successful person,
1. Get into a degree programme. It doesn't matter if you get honours, just a basic degree will do. The word 'degree' sends shivers down employers' pants instantly earns you major points. Don't have money to go through the programme? Well you're f***ed now ain't you?
2. When talking to higer authorities, make sure you do it with an accent even though you are born and bred Singaporean. An accent helps big time in impressing people. Indian and Malay accents do not help your cause. Try for Western accent even though you've never been to these countries before. I recommend the English accent. Watch British shows to perfect your English accent as it helps later on in B.S cos no one will understand what you are talking about.
3. It's all in the posture. Keep your shoulders straight back and walk around like you've got a stick up your a**. Or better yet, put one there to help you practice. Soon, you'll be wearing a sports attire and still look professional.
4. If a stick cant be put up your a**, dress professionally, even if it's Casual Friday. The employer is always impressed with good attire cos you'll be the professional among the dress-downers.
Once, you've mastered the above steps, you are well on your way to being the boss' favourite w/o doing any work.
Here are the next steps to ensure you maintain his good books.
5. Should you forget to do your work, blame it on the person who assigned you the work, saying extremely loudly "I hate all this last minute work" and brushing it and the person aside as if you're better than them. Doesn't matter if the person gave it to you a month ago, the higher authorities will probably believe you cos you're in the boss' good books remember?
6. Suggest many items in front of the boss. Suggestions are very important. Whether you go through them has no meaning whatsoever. The ability to be creative is more important than the follow-thru
7. Talk in riddles to confuse the person who assigned you the work. Better yet, if you have not done it, say " I know it seems like riddles to you, but soon it will be clear" (Try mastering the Yoda way - with a British accent of course!)
8. If all else fails, feign mental problems. Be xtra friendly to everybody. Act concerned about people's health and sleeping hours. Call your fellow worker "incompetent and has communication issues" and ask if he/she is ok 1 minute later and offer him/her a hug like nothing has happened. Since you've won the boss favour, he/she will be overtly concerned about you and ask everyone else to be understanding of your situation whilst you relax, come late for work and not do a shit @ work.
Best thing is... you'll still get your damn promotion. Isn't life just SO fair?
Practice these steps for a better work-life ahead of you.
